


cold hands and warm hearts

by bearer_of_light



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 00:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15875168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearer_of_light/pseuds/bearer_of_light
Summary: “Heart?” Clarke nodded. She couldn’t really form sentences longer than one word, with Lexa’s eyes so close and her breath on Clarke’s skin. “Your heart is much warmer than my hands.” Lexa smiled, and before Clarke could ruin it by saying something stupid, Lexa took Clarke’s scarf and wrapped it around her own neck. “I might steal this, it goes well with my eyes,” she said not knowing that it was one of the only reasons why Clarke got it the week before.





	cold hands and warm hearts

Clarke was cold. Almost as cold as on the night Lexa kissed her for the first time.

Clarke still could remember the skin biting, blood freezing coldness of the night she’ll never be able to forget. She could distinctly remember snow turned into ice all the way from restaurant to Lexa’s house. She could remember every of 541 steps. On 141st Lexa put her hand in the pocket of Clarke’s coat and squeezed Clarke’s hand.

“Just checking to see if you’re alive.” Lexa’s smile could’ve melt snow, it was no wonder it made Clarke forget about the cold air ripping through her lungs. “Can’t see you behind that scarf.”

“It’s cold.”

Lexa wrapped her hand around Clarke’s back and pulled her into her side, “Just a couple more minutes,” she whispered into the scarf.

Lexa was something new back then. Lexa was always something new. Even in college, when she was just a girl Clarke would see at parties with her hand around a different girl every time. She was new even when Octavia introduced them and when she saw that smile for the first time. She was new even after 4 years of friendship and she was definitely new after two dates. Two dates that were, in Clarke’s modest and biased opinion, cut too short by Lexa’s want to not rush things. 

It was the coldest day in the year and their third date. It was supposed to be a dinner, in the restaurant, with chefs and waiters. But the reservation fell through and it was either going to Lexa’s house or going back home. There was never a doubt in Clarke’s mind where she wanted to go. 

The warmth that hit Clarke’s face when Lexa opened the door and let her in was one that Clarke felt many, many times, but still, that one, with Lexa’s hand on her back and her face buried behind the green scarf, felt like a first.

“Is it new?” Lexa asked when Clarke was still hidden behind the scarf wrapped around her neck. Her boots long discarded and her coat hanging by the door. 

“Kinda.” Lexa reached and pulled it once around Clarke’s neck, the back of her hand brushing against Clarke’s chin. “How are your hands so warm?”

“To match my heart?” Lexa pulled Clarke’s scarf once more and left it hanging on around the back of her neck.

“What does that say about mine?” Lexa smiled again as she took Clarke’s hands in her own. She pulled them up, closer to her mouth and blew warm air.

“Heart?” Clarke nodded. She couldn’t really form sentences longer than one word, with Lexa’s eyes so close and her breath on Clarke’s skin. “Your heart is much warmer than my hands.” Lexa smiled, and before Clarke could ruin it by saying something stupid, Lexa took Clarke’s scarf and wrapped it around her own neck. “I might steal this, it goes well with my eyes,” she said not knowing that it was one of the only reasons why Clarke got it the week before. 

“That’s not happening.” Before Clarke could even try getting it back, Lexa had her hands on Clarke’s back and lips just a breath away. 

“What do you wanna do?” Lexa’s fingers were tapping on Clarke’s back, so lightly Clarke could barely feel it but it was still the only thing she felt. That and her heart beating like parade drums. 

“I don’t know.”

“You want me to make you dinner?” That smile that took Clarke too long to realize it was there only when she was around, never left Lexa’s face. Clarke’s smile, as Raven liked to call it, made Lexa’s eyes light up, every time, without a miss. 

“If you want.”

“If I want.” Lexa’s hands moved from Clarke’s back to her sides. Up and down. Clarke was burning up. She forgot about the cold air waiting outside. “Are you still cold?,” Lexa whispered. Clarke shook her head, words were never harder to form than in that moment. “Good. But I’m hot.” Clarke blushed before she realized why Lexa said it. That blush was going to haunt her for years to come. She quickly pulled her hands off of the scarf still wrapped around Lexa’s neck. “You could’ve taken it off,” Lexa chuckled.

“You could’ve said you wanted it off.”

“It smells like you.” Lexa took it off and put it next to Clarke’s coat. 

“I know something else that smells like me.” Clarke found the courage she never knew she had. 

“And what’s that?”

Clarke bit her lip before saying the word that was going to be the beginning of the best night in the 25 years of her life. “Me.”

It was like an unspoken plea, a word that put Lexa’s hands back on her back, Lexa’s forehead on her own and Lexa’s lips on Clarke’s. 

It was cold, wind howling and snow falling, but Clarke forgot about it all. The warmth of Lexa’s skin filled her lungs and made her forget about the ice on the streets outside. It turned to be the warmest night of Clarke’s life.

This time though, there was no green scarf around her neck, it was long gone, and no warmth filling her lungs. She walked down the street, careful not to step on the ice forming islands on the pavement. Clarke knew she won’t be able to sleep that night. Everything was too cold.

* * *

“We are lost.”

“We are not lost Clarke.”

“We’ve passed by that tree four times in the last hour.”

“It’s not the same tree.”

“It is.”

“You don’t know that tree, don’t make assumptions about it.”

“Lexa, we are lost.”

“We are not.”

“Where are we then?”

“We are on our way to Polis.”

“Really, Lexa? We are on our way to Polis?”

Lexa turned her head to Clarke and smiled, “Aren’t we?” She put her hand on Clarke’s knee and squeezed it. “Enjoy the scenery. It a really nice autumn afternoon. Right?”

“You’re lucky I love you.”

“It’s an adventure, look at it that way.”

“You said you knew how to get us there.”

“And I’ll get us there.”

“Just let me look where we are and how to get the hell out of here.”

“I won’t be subjected to your phone.”

“You are so ridiculous Lexa.” 

“I don’t like following orders.”

“I don’t like getting eaten by bears.”

“I’ll protect you.”

“Sure you will.”

“You don’t have faith in my protecting abilities?”

“I had faith in your navigation abilities and look where it got me.”

“Clarke.”

“Lexa.”

“Baby.” 

“That won’t work.”

“No bear can harm you while you’re with me.”  Lexa’s hand went higher on Clarke’s leg. “Pinky promise.”

“If you don’t get us there soon, this will be the last time you hand is where it is now.”

“That’s just cruel.”

“You are the maker of your own destiny.”

Endless Love was playing on the radio when Clarke felt Lexa’s lips on her cheek. “You will always be my endless love,” Lexa hummed in her ear.

Clarke stopped counting the nights she spent crying with that song playing in the back of her mind.

It was a similar autumn night when Clarke found herself in that cabin she spent countless nights wrapped in Lexa’s arms. Octavia was there with Lincoln, Raven as well. It was Clarke’s first time there alone. She thought she could handle it, after all those years, but it was as if Lexa was sewed into every inch of the wooden floors and cold walls. 

“Are you okay?” Raven found her on the porch, wrapped in a blanket and with a bottle of vodka next to her legs. 

“What do you think?”

“I think it’s been a long time.”

“Since when does time have any impact on the way one feels?”

“You’re drunk.” Raven sighed and sat next to her. “You didn’t have to come.”

“I didn’t have to do a lot of things, and yet I have.”

“Vodka won’t help you.”

“It will.” For a few long moments, they sat in silence, Raven waiting the question that was bound to come and Clarke not wanting to ask it. “Can I have her number?”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No Clarke.”

“Please Raven.” Clarke’s voice broke down. It was matching her heart. “I just need to hear her voice.”

“No you don’t.”

“Please.” Clarke leaned her head on Raven’s shoulder. Her friend put a hand around her shoulder and kissed the top of her head.

“Clarke, you know you don’t want that.”

“But I need it.”

“You need to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep in there. She’s… it’s… I can feel her.”

“You can’t stay her either. You’ll freeze to death.”

“I’d rather have that than her everywhere.”

“You can lay with me. We’ll watch something.”

“I miss her so much Raven. I never thought something could hurt this much.”

“I know, I know.”

Later that night, after Raven fell asleep, Clarke sneaked outside again. Coldness made her heart beat faster and her brain work slower. It made her feel alive. Even for a bit.

* * *

“You were so cute.”

“Were?”

“Yeah babe, I think you’ve peaked when you were 10,” Clarke said looking at the photo of a kid, looking a bit like Lexa, with big glasses and in a huge bed.

“I feel so betrayed.” 

“You’ve seen nothing yet.” Lexa’s mother laughed as she turned two new photos in front of Clarke. First one was Lexa after her first basketball game and the second was from Lexa’s prom night. 

“I see you’ve never had trouble finding girls.”

“There was one on every corner,” her mother said.

“Double betrayal.” Lexa’s hand was on the small of Clarke’s back, her fingers scratching the fabric of Clarke’s shirt.

“Am I lying?,” her mother asked, picking up the photos scattered around the counter and putting the back in the album. 

“You know I’m not jealous.” Clarke leaned and kissed Lexa’s cheek. 

Lexa chuckled, “Sure you’re not.”

“You think I am?”

“I think I love you.”

“You think?”

“Yes.”

“When will you be sure?”

“I’m giving it a decade or two.”

“And then what?”

“Then I’m gonna marry you.”

“And I’m supposed to wait?”

“Do you love me?”

“I do.”

“Then it won’t be a problem.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Clarke shook her head.

“And madly in love.”

Just before they left Lexa’s mother gave Clarke that photo of a 10 year old Lexa sitting in a bed way too big for her, with a glasses covering half of her face. “Take care of her,” she said to Clarke as she tucked the photo in her hand.

When the nights get too warm, Clarke takes the photo out of the deep corners of her closet and stares at it until the sun comes up and she forgets why she ever put it in a box and out of the reach. 

* * *

“We’ll wake Anya,” Clarke tried to whisper on one of those warm nights when she didn’t need an old photo to forget.

“We won’t.” Lexa pulled her in her arms. They were at Anya’s for the weekend. It was after midnight and it was 90 degrees and Clarke was starting to get antsy when Lexa pulled her out of the bed and downstairs. 

“What are we doing here?” Clarke asked when they got to the kitchen. “What are you doing?,” she asked when Lexa opened the refrigerator door.

“I’m gonna cool you.” Lexa turned them around and pressed Clarke’s back to the inside of the refrigerator door. 

“You’re crazy.” Clarke shook her head. The cold surface behind her back mixed with heat coming off of Lexa’s hands on her hips, made for a combination she won’t be able to forget for many years to come.

“For you, yes.”

Lexa grabbed her ass and kissed her. “That won’t cool me off.” Clarke smiled into Lexa’s mouth.

“Do you mind?” 

“Anya will kill us.”

“She won’t know.”

Anya used to call her every month after Lexa left. Then every other. Then once a year. 

“You should come, sometime,” she said to her last night.

“Where?”

“Visit me.”

“I appreciate the offer, but…”

“It’s been too long.”

“Last I heard you were honoring her wishes.”

“She won’t know.” The words hurt more than Anya knew they would. 

“Thank you Anya, but I can’t. You could come visit me.”

It was something they did every time Anya called. They offered because they knew the other would never say yes. Anya because Lexa asked her to, and Clarke because looking at Anya would feel like looking at Lexa.

“Maybe one day.”

“I hope it’s soon.”

* * *

“Don’t go.” Clarke wanted to beg. She knew it wouldn’t make a difference, but she wanted to. She wanted to yell and scream and cry. But she didn’t want what was about to happen.

“Come with me.”

“Lexa, don’t ask me that.”

“Don’t ask me to not go.”

“It’s not the same.”

“It is the same.” Lexa was standing far from her, too far, and all Clarke wanted was to wrap herself in her arms and forget about the world and life and dreams and future and past and present and just exist in Lexa’s arms, away from everything and everyone.

“I have a life, a job, family, I can’t just drop and go with you to the other side of the world.”

“I thought I was your family.”

“And I thought I was yours.”

A moment of silence and a ton of hurt on Lexa’s face. “That’s low.”

“Lexa, please.” Clarke regretted it the moment those words left her mouth. She was Lexa’s family and Lexa was hers.

“Come with me Clarke. You’re always saying you wanna travel, see the world...”

“We have a life here.”

“You have a life here, I have opportunity for…”

“Something great yes.” Clarke put her hands on Lexa’s cheeks. “Please.” She would’ve dropped on her knees if she knew it would’ve made a difference.   
Lexa closed her eyes. “Why are you doing this Clarke.”

“Because I can’t lose you.”

“It’s a year.” She put her hands over Clarke’s. They were cold.

“I won’t do long distance.”

“You’re breaking up with me?” Lexa took a couple of steps back and let Clarke’s hands fall from her face.

“No.” Clarke shook her head.

“Then what are you doing?”

“Asking you to stay with me.”

“And it doesn’t matter what I want.”

“Don’t you want me?” Tears welled up in Clarke’s eyes. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to keep them in much longer. Not with the way their conversation was going and surely not with the way it was going to end.

“That’s not fair Clarke. Don’t you see what you’re asking of me?”

“Yes, I’m asking you to pick me.”

“I’ve been doing that for the past 3 years,” Lexa said, tears already left her eyes. “I’ve had a chance to go 2 years ago and I said no.” Her every word landing a hit exactly where it hurt the most. “And now you’re asking me to do that again and put my dreams on hold or lose you.”

“I can’t go with you.”

“Because your family is here?”

“Because I don’t want to put my dre-”

“Dreams on hold? But it’s okay if I do it?”

“Don’t break us Lexa, please.” Clarke didn’t care anymore about the tears going down her face.

“Stop putting it all on me.”

“You’re the one who wants to leave.”

“And you’re the one who doesn’t want to leave with me. Or even wait for me.”

“I can’t do that.”

“I’d give my life for you and you can’t wait for me?”

“You’d wait for me?”

“I’d do anything for you Clarke.”

“You’d sit and wait and have your heart broken by the distance, by not being able to breathe the same air as I am, to touch me, to hold me, to feel me under your fingertips, you’d lock your heart and break it every day for a year? And what if they offer you another year? Then I wait for two years? Eternity?”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t wait at all.”

“Don’t say that Lexa.” Clarke tried to take Lexa’s hand in hers, hoping a touch could salvage hearts that were about to be broken in million pieces. But Lexa didn’t let her.

“What Clarke? What do you want me to say?”

“That you won’t leave me.”

“I want to go. You can either go with me or not.”

“I can’t go.”

“And I’ll never forgive you that.”

Those were the last words Lexa said to her, until one cold morning, when Clarke got a call at 8pm from a number she didn’t know. “Why didn’t you love me enough?” Six words that broke her. 

“Where are you?” Clarke had a hundred pounds heavy brick on her chest. But Lexa’s words were slurred and she was in a crowd.

“I thought you loved me.”

“Lexa where are you?” It was the last time Clarke said her name out loud and the first time she said it since Lexa left.

“It’s not important.”

“Please go home.”

“I don’t have that anymore. You broke me Clarke. It hurts so much.”

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said with tears streaming down her face, but Lexa ended the call before she could hear it.

* * *

Time was Clarke biggest enemy. Once there was never enough of it, and now there’s much of it. Time that kept going at a pace so slow, giving Clarke hours upon hours and memories upon memories.

It was a year since she last heard Lexa’s voice. 

Clarke was drinking on a night cold as one when Lexa kissed her for the first time. 

“I’m sorry.” Clarke got the number from Octavia, after days of begging. They both knew it was a mistake but what Clarke didn’t know is that Octavia got the permission from the person haunting Clarke’s dreams. 

“You need to sleep.” Lexa’s voice was calm, cold as the wind hitting Clarke’s face.

“It’s too cold.”

“I know.” It was fours years to the day, since that first kiss. “I forgive you.”

“I sold our old place.”

“I know.” What Clarke didn’t know was that Lexa bought it.

“It’s been a year.”

“I’m not coming back.”

“I know.”

“Go to bed.”

“I miss you.” 

“I know.” 

* * *

It was a cold night, one of the coldest Clarke could remember. It was matching her heart. She smiled at the memory. She never thought she’d be able to do that, but time was slow and time helped her mend the pieces of herself that helped her smile. It was a happy memory and happy memories deserved a smile.

She was walking down the street, she was going to Raven’s place. Ice was starting to form at the side of the road and she almost couldn’t feel her fingers. 

She had only a couple hundred steps till she was in front of Raven’s building. She looked upfront and saw someone standing under the street light. They were looking at her but Clarke wasn’t able to see their face. 

What she did see was a green scarf, wrapped around the neck and brown curls falling down stranger’s back. 

“Hi Clarke.” A voice that made her forget about memories and a matching smile that warmed up a broken heart.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for any and all mistakes!
> 
> also sorry if i've tricked you into reading this :)
> 
> find me at ordinarklo.tumblr.com


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